


Don't Take Me Back

by Loveislove87



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Fluff, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 19:57:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17107163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveislove87/pseuds/Loveislove87
Summary: Aaron loves Christmas and loves spending it with his family but it isn't until it's too late that he notices something off with his husband.





	Don't Take Me Back

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas! I love when Robert suffers a bit and I would love for there to be some kind of acknowledgement that last year really sucked for him so I wrote it. I'm not quite sure what this is. Unedited so please forgive me my mistakes. Hope you enjoy!

Aaron woke with a bit of a start.  He squinted, looking around the room, attempting to determine what could have woke him up.  The sun was shining through the blinds and a chill was in the room.  Aaron leaned over, picking up his phone from where it was charging on the bedside table.  8am.  As he started to flick through his text messages, most of the Dingle’s already up and celebrating their holiday, Aaron felt a hard kick to his calf.  He let out a yelp and grabbed the now sore body part.  

Aaron flipped over to find Robert thrashing a bit in his sleep.  It was normal for Rob to kick out, actually kind of a sweet habit he had for making sure Aaron was still next to him, but this was different.  Robert was sweating, hair plastered to his forehead, with a grimace on his face and a bit of wetness where his eyelashes met the tops of his cheeks.  He hadn’t had a nightmare in ages and this certainly wasn’t how Aaron wanted him to start his day.

As gently and softly as he could manage, he stroked Robert’s cheek and kissed his forehead, slowly bringing him out of sleep with the quiet repetition of his name.  It took a bit, but eventually Robert opened his eyes and looked around, seemingly taking in his surroundings.  When his eyes settled on Aaron, he released a deep breath and pulled him in for a kiss.

“Alright?”  Aaron asked when they finally pulled apart.  Robert nodded.

“Just a rough dream.”  Robert looked about a thousand miles away.

“Wanna talk about it?”  Aaron pet Robert’s hair, watching the older man’s eyes flutter shut again at the feeling.  As Robert was about to respond, a giggle of noise came through the baby monitor.

Robert laughed “we better collect his majesty before he figures out how to escape.”

Aaron started to shift, pulling on a t-shirt and sweats.  When he turned back to his husband, he let out a small laugh at the look Robert was blessing him with.  He always knew what that look meant.  “We don’t have time for that now.  I’ll go get Seb and make sure Liv’s getting up but you’re on breakfast duty.”

Robert pushed out his bottom lip with the cutest pout Aaron had ever seen, not that he’d ever say that out loud, but he did move back to the bed, kissing the protruding lip and whispering “Merry Christmas, Rob.”  He smiled as he headed to the nursery.  Yet another day of happiness he was so thankful to have.

He didn’t see the struggle it had been for Robert to make himself get out of bed.

\---------------------------------------

After breakfast was had and gifts were exchanged, the family got ready for a quick stop at Diane’s to see the Sugden clan before dinner at the Dingle’s.  Seb had needed a surprise bath after he decided his breakfast looked better on him than in him.

This year, all four members of the Sugden-Dingle clan were donning ugly Christmas jumpers.  Liv had rolled her eyes when she opened hers but then smiled softly when they opened one for Seb as well.  Aaron couldn’t help but feel that wave of pride again.  His family was already creating their own traditions.  He leaned his head on Robert’s shoulder as they watched Liv pose Seb under the tree with his new jumper on.  God he looked adorable.

“Y’know,” Liv said while she fussed with one of the tree baubles that was in her way, “I can barely remember last Christmas.  I know I had a good time but nothing really stood out.”

Aaron nodded beside Robert.  “Yeah I know what you mean.  We did the usual stuff but it didn’t stand out much.  Was nice enough, I s’pose.”

Robert stood up so quickly Aaron lost his balance a bit, needing to catch himself on the couch behind his back. “Rob?  You alright?”

Robert turned with a smile. “Yeah, just gonna make a brew before we have to head out.  You want one?”

Aaron smiled, “yeah, ta.”

Aaron didn’t see the way Robert’s hands shook as he made the drinks.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Diane and Vic had decided that since Robert, Aaron and Liv were going to the Dingle’s later, they wouldn’t weigh them down with real food but with desserts,  Aaron leaned back in his chair, rubbing his full tummy.

“Vic, that was so good.” Aaron let out a small burp, reaching for his first can of the evening.  Everyone knew it wouldn’t be his last.  Aaron not so secretly loved Christmas and Robert not so secretly loved when Aaron got a bit tipsy and started shouting about it to everyone around him.

“Yeah Vic, thanks.  We’re gonna have to get going soon so is it time for the gift exchange?”  Robert moved to get their bags from the front door where they had dropped them to say their hellos when they arrived.

He came back to find the family around the tree.  They had bought Vic a beautiful journal to document new recipes she developed as well as a new set of professional standard knives and other kitchen supplies.  Diane was gifted a small photo album, loaded with pictures of her children and grandchildren.  

As Liv tore into her presents, Aaron found Vic staring thoughfully at himself and his husband.  He looked around, seeing nothing out of place.  With confusion on his brow he said “what?”

Vic just smiled. “I knew you’d end up here, y’know.  You’s two are inevitable.”

Aaron couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment.  He had always felt the same way.  He brought his arm up and around Robert’s shoulder, squeezing the man into his side.  They looked at each other and smiled.  Aaron really was lucky.

“I mean Alex was great, don’t get me wrong,” Vic continued, “but it never seemed right. You always seemed to hate but love the drama.” Vic tilted her head indicating Aaron who feigned offense but chuckled lightly.  He felt Robert stiffen a bit next to him but his face revealed nothing.  

Robert then stood, collecting some of the paper that had collected on the floor to throw away. 

While his family put the adorable bobble hat that Diane had bought Seb on his head, no one noticed Robert splashing cool water on his face in the kitchen.

\----------------------------------------

After bringing the gifts they received from Diane and Vic home, the family headed off to Zak and Lisa’s where Sam and Lydia were actually hosting Christmas this year.  The Dingle festivities were already in full swing by the time they arrived and Seb was quickly stolen from Aaron’s arms to be passed around for cuddles.  The boy had recently come into his element and it was obvious he was destined to be a social butterfly like his father.

Aaron had been swept into conversation with Sam, Marlon and Cain discussing the planned future of the garage and Liv was taking photos of everyone with the new camera Rob and Aaron had gifted her that morning.  When Aaron looked around, he found his husband in a corner alone, seemingly unfocused, peeling the label off of a beer bottle.  Aaron excused himself and headed toward Robert but was stopped mid trip but his mum.

“Love, I’m so proud of you.  You’re own little family, raising two kids, running a successful business.  I always knew you were amazing.”  She clearly had a few snowballs but Aaron couldn’t help but smile when she brought him into a crushing hug.  Even if the message was delivered a bit drunkenly he knew she still meant it.  He felt a hard slap on the back.  “Couldn’t agree more,” Paddy said with a big smile and red face.

“Remember last year, son?”  Chas asked with a laugh.  “I really thought that was your fresh start.  New home, new bloke, new opportunities.  I was proud of you then, too.”

“Hey whatever happened to that Alex bloke, by the way?” Charity yelled over, most of the room now tuned into the conversation.  

Aaron just shrugged, taking a drink.  “Dunno.  Haven’t seen him in months.”

“He was well fit though, and a doctor.  I would’ve held on a bit tighter if it was me,” Charity laughed with a wink.

“He was real nice, too.  Supportive and smart.  He helped me out a lot with school.  Well, when I gave a stuff about it I mean,” Liv blushed at the admission.

“Blokes like that are the marrying type.  He would have taken care of ya for the rest of your life.  Probably could’ve closed up the yard if ya wanted to.  Not that he’d ever make ya,” Debbie commented.  Aaron wasn’t sure Debbie ever met Alex but he smiled all the same.

“I just remember how proud I was of ya the day  _after_ Christmas,” Faith said with her telltale smirk.  The room erupted in “oohs” and Aaron got a teasing tickle off of Paddy.  

“Alright, why I am I the topic of conversation here?  Isn’t it time to...”

And before he could finish his sentence, the door slammed shut, catching everyone by surprise.  They looked around, trying to see if in the madness someone had joined them or left them.

Aaron felt a tap at his side and looked down to see Liv with a concerned look on her face.

“I can’t find Rob.”

In the midst of the teasing, laughing a reminiscing, no one saw Robert begin to shake.  No one saw the tears well up.  No one saw the doubt and insecurity wash across his face.  As a matter of fact, it felt like no one saw him at all.

\------------------------------------

Aaron had put down his drink and quickly searched the room to find his coat.  A hush had fallen on the room, everyone seeming to realize at the same time how insensitive they were being.

As Aaron put his arm through his sleeve, he felt someone stop him.

“Love, we didn’t mean anything.  We were just talking.  Please make sure he knows that.”  Chas looked genuinely concerned.  Aaron felt just as guilty.  He could have stopped the conversation and gone to Robert sooner.  He just got caught up.  Stupid.

“I will.  Hopefully we’ll be back.”  He kissed her on the cheek and headed out.

Aaron jogged through the snow-covered fields, his cheeks aching from the cold.  It felt like it took ages to get back to the Mill but, once he did, he found it empty.  It was freezing outside, so he couldn’t imagine where Rob would be.  The Woolie was closed as was David’s and the café.  Diane and Vic were going to spend the evening with Bernice.  Aaron pulled his hat and gloves on and headed back into the village.

After trying a few spots with no luck, he eventually came across his husband, on the bridge looking down at the frozen water.  

Aaron gently approached.  “You’re a hard man to find.”  

Robert didn’t look up, just kept staring down at the unmoving water.  

“Rob?  You know that lot.  They didn’t mean anything.  They were just talking without thinking as per.  Please come back with me.”

Robert took a deep, shuddering breath.  “I’m not feeling great, Aaron.  I think I’ll just go home and head to bed.”

Aaron shook his head.  “It’s Christmas.  You can’t be on your own.  I’ll text mum and I’ll come with you.”  He moved to take Robert’s freezing cold hand but he jerked suddenly away, turning his back on Aaron.

“Robert what’s going on?  You’ve been off a bit all day.  Ever since you woke up.”  Robert didn’t move.  Just stood frozen, like the creek below them.

“Robert, please.  I don’t like seeing you upset.”

Robert released an angry sounding laugh at that, startling Aaron.  When Robert finally turned to face him he had tear tracks staining his face.  Robert rarely cried so it always took Aaron’s breath away when he did.

“A year ago everyone was so happy.  You were rebuilding your life, becoming the man you could always be.  You had the absolutely unwavering support of every, single person in your family.  You had a beautiful home and a man that was a minute away from telling you he loved you.  The perfect man.”

Robert had choked on the last bit, his resolve to be angry instead of devastated breaking in front of Aaron’s eyes.

“I remember my Christmas, Aaron.  My favorite holiday, y’know?  Mum always made a big deal out of Christmas so I always wanted to as well.  I spent Christmas in hospital, Aaron.  Realizing that I had almost no one on my side, no one willing to fight for me or love me.  I had lost my son, I felt like I lost Vic, I lost my dignity trying to salvage something to call my own.  And, of course, I lost the love of my life.”

Aaron could barely breath.  Seeing Robert in hospital will always be one of the worst images he’d ever have but he didn’t understand how much Robert felt he had lost.

“Alex was a good bloke.  He helped you figure stuff out, blah blah blah.  I get it! I really do.  And I know that I encouraged it.  I know because even though I thought I wouldn’t survive being without you I needed you to be happy, Aaron! That’s all I’ve ever needed.  But while I’m in hospital, injured and terrified on Christmas, you began to start over.  You got your fresh start.”

Robert’s chest heaved from the exertion.  He’d been holding back for a year, forget all day, everything that had been hurting him.  Aaron stood motionless, quiet tears rolling down his face.  He could give Robert this.  He knew he needed to.  Even if every word broke his heart a bit more, he could do this.

Robert seemed to stop, however.  He took a deep breath and wiped his face.  He then looked at Aaron with an expression so sad Aaron needed to use every ounce of control to not go to him, and let out the saddest smile Aaron had ever seen.

“I know that I’m not allowed to talk.  I know that sleeping with Rebecca will always be the thing I did that’s really not forgivable.  I know.  But I slept with her and as soon as it was over I regretted it.  I didn’t want that or her.  I would have instantly done anything I could to take it back.  It meant nothing, she meant nothing, it was just...nothing.”

Robert put his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

“I only ever wanted you, Aaron.  But you?  You chose Alex.  You chose another man.  You chose to share yourself with someone else, over and over again.  You chose for someone else to be in your home, to see your scars, to hold you, to meet your family.  You cared for someone else.  You wanted someone else.  You slept with someone else.  Am I a hypocrite?  Yes.  I am.  But I slept with someone else one time out of heartbreak and rejection, believing that the love of my life was gone and didn’t want me anymore.  I felt sick about it and it ruined me for months.  But you fell for someone else and it was so fast.  I still thought we could rebuild and then Liv’s telling me you’ve moved on and I’m watching him be a part of your family.  He’s moving his stuff in on our anniversary.  It was torture, Aaron.  So, I’m sorry that while everyone is thinking so fondly of last Christmas that I can’t do that with you.  My dream this morning was that you were still with him, y’know.  I had to watch as you built a family and a future with him.”

The two men just stood, staring at one another.  Robert spent from releasing a year’s worth of pain and bitterness and Aaron trapped in his own shock.

“I’m sorry, Aaron.  I didn’t mean to ruin your Christmas.  I’ll be fine.  I just need some sleep.  Please go back to the party.  You don’t need all this shit today.”  With a small smile, he kissed Aaron on the cheek and wiped away his tears.  

“I really am sorry.  I don’t know where all of that came from.  I love you.  Merry Christmas.”  

With a quick squeeze of Aaron’s glove-clad hand, Robert walked off slowly with his head down towards the Mill.

Robert didn’t notice Aaron let out a quiet sob.

\------------------------------------------------------

Robert had gotten back to the Mill and took a shower.  He cried a bit more while he was in there, both for his own sadness and anger at himself for not being able to shut up and make it through the day.  How selfish could he be that he ruined Aaron’s Christmas?  

He toweled off and threw on some night clothes, climbing into his side of the bed.  Robert could smell Aaron in the bedding and brought a hand up to touch the soft, cool material of Aaron’s pillow.  He had been honest about how devastated he had been last year and how hard it had been to listen to everyone’s positive interpretation but he could have waited until tomorrow to talk about it.  He decided tomorrow he’d wake Aaron up with breakfast and the perfect brew, a kiss and the sincerest apology.  Maybe they could spend the day together and pretend this hadn’t happened.

With that optimistic thought, Robert drifted off to sleep.

Robert thought he was dreaming.  A weight pressed to him, the world shaking a bit.  He didn’t know what was happening.  Then he heard his name being repeated and he was brought back to the real world.

Aaron was sitting on top of him in his pajamas.  He had been shaking his shoulders to try waking him up.  

“Aaron?  Are you ok?  What’s wrong?”  Robert glanced to the clock and found it reading after midnight.  

Aaron smiled at him, coming his fingers through Rob’s hair.

“It’s a new day, Robert.  I heard everything you said yesterday but it’s all in the past.  My family are daft for being so oblivious and I should have told them to stuff it so I’m sorry for that.  I won’t apologize for what happened last year.  We were apart and I coped how I coped as did you.”

Robert looked away, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes.  He knew Aaron was right but he didn’t need to hear how Aaron had no regrets.

“Rob, look at me.”  Aaron took hold of Rob’s chin and made him look up, both men with tears in their eyes.  “I won’t apologize but I will tell you that Alex was nothing compared to you.  Yes, he helped me get over some shit I didn’t think I could but he was a distraction.  I still always sought you out in a room.  I still always wanted to see you.  I still always held onto your watch.  I used your soap instead of my own.  What Alex thought were my night clothes were the ones you left behind.  I never deleted one photo off of my phone or one text.  I slept with Alex and it was fine.  It showed me I could be myself and I wouldn’t be rejected.  It was fine.  But you?  You’re everything.  I never thought for one second about telling Alex I loved him.  I never pictured any kind of a future.  Even him moving in?  Thank God that didn’t happen, Rob.  I never wanted him here.  You’re it.  You’ve been it for years and you’re all I want.  We both have pasts and sometimes they hurt, but now, together, we have a future and a family.  And I love you more than I’ll ever be able to tell you.  Okay?”

Robert smiled through his tears.  

“Okay.”

Aaron smiled, using the back of his hand to clear away the tears.  Robert took hold of Aaron’s face, bringing him down for a searing kiss.

“I love you so much, Aaron.  Forever.”

“I love you too, Rob.  Always.”  He kissed his husband again.  “Happy Christmas, husband.”

Robert’s smile was breathtaking.  “Happy Christmas, husband.”


End file.
